Saturday, July 11, 2009

A New Baby - Too, Too Cute

When I was pregnant with my first child, I read all the books and magazines, as well as any newspaper articles concerning childbirth and raising children. NOTHING prepared me for the years ahead.

After surviving the last thirty-six years, I feel it is my duty to inform everyone who wants to have a child the "TRUTH".

Although I am writing in an attempt to be funny, I want to make it clear that what I write will be the "TRUTH".

Before I begin my stories I must post some definitions in an effort for you readers to really understand these stories.

ANGEL - A child who stops at nothing in order to show other people just how well mannered and polite they can be, i.e. a behavior completely opposite of the child's true personality.
Your child will use phrases which will include the words Thank You, Please, Yes sir, May I.

DIGGING - A child's unique way of exploring his or her environment.
Primary "digging" phrases:
Look the baby is "digging in his diaper." "digging in his nose" "digging in the toilet"

This "digging" continues for the remainder of the child's life.

Advanced "digging" phrases:
I found her "digging in my jewelry box." "digging around my perfume" "digging in my purse"
He was "digging in my wallet". "digging in my tool box"

DROOL - A substance similar to "Spit-Up", but it does not smell as pungent.
The problem with the "drooling" process? Once it begins it never subsides in boys. True that after age 2 it goes into remission, not to surface again until that baby boy becomes a teenager/young man and sees a pretty girl.
FEEDING PROCESS - Step 1 - Act of retrieving the baby from the crib, changing the baby's diaper, feeding the baby, nudging the baby "to wake him in order to continue feeding", burping the baby, changing baby's diaper again, changing bed linens, changing baby and mom's night clothes. This takes one to two hours, depending on whether Baby and Mother need a bath.
Step 2 - Baby falls asleep. Mom continues soaking bed linens/night clothes and tries to salvage cloth diapers. Mom pumps one bottle of breast milk. (Trying to pump breast milk with the breast pumps made in 1974 was like pulling a hippopotamus's' tooth with a tweezers.) Mom goes to bed and cannot sleep. Go back to Step 1.

INLAWS - People who know everything, have done everything better than you have and always remind you of this.
They attack on days when you are at the end of your patience and stressed to the max. If you have only one nerve left, the "inlaws" will be on it.

LOVE - A feeling you will always have for your child.
Regardless of what your child does, you will always have this pure, unconditional bond with your child.

MONEY - Something you will never be able to accumulate again.

POOPIE - Soft clay-like substance found in child's diaper. Can be found on your clothing, child's clothing, floor, bed linens and in your automobile.
Don't worry, your child's "poopie" will not smell as bad as the "poopie" of other children. God is good.

SPITTING UP - An activity your baby performs right after meals, bathing and changing their clothes.
Your little bundle of joy will "spit up" right before leaving for an important event and usually when you are running late. You will have two choices. Change you and the baby's clothes (recommended). If you merely wipe up this "spit up" you and your baby will smell like this "spit up" all day long.

TRAINING - A learning period for a parent.
There is a new phase of "training" for each year of your child's life. These "training" sessions are designed to make a parent stronger.

USE - A routine which involves you and your child visiting a bathroom.
Notice I use the word "visiting" not "using". Yes, you and your child will "visit" many bathrooms. Your child will sit on that potty and not "use" it. No need to be concerned because as soon as you are no where near a bathroom the child will "use", right then a there, just where they are. Do not rush the transition between pullups and regular underwear.

Advanced Definitions to be continued ...

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